Accept Your Appearance
Unheard and Unheeded #1
The other day, you pulled down your mask to show your face to an old friend, and you made a deprecating comment about the size of your nose.
Why?
The old friend was delighted to see you. The old friend had no problem with your nose, or with anything about your face or your body. In fact, he had the exact same reaction to you that you had to him: he was simply delighted.
Why point out your nose? Why apologize for it? The only person bothered by it is you.
Everyone takes you in and accepts what they see as you. They add up the pieces of you — the nose, the personality, the smile, the laugh, the ease at which you navigate a social situation, and the sum is they like you.
You could have a huge nose and a bigger belly, and they would still like you, even love you, much the way you love Uncle Joe. When you see him, do you think, “That fellow is fat…” Of course not. He brings delight with him. What is there not to love?
You’re the same.
There are some beautiful people on the planet. Go on TikTok. I never imagined such beautiful girls existed when I was in high school.*
There are spectacularly beautiful people out there. It hurts not to be one of them. Who wouldn’t love to look into a mirror and see beauty looking back?
I would bet that those girls on TikTok look in the mirror and find problems with their teeth and eyebrows and nose exactly the same way you find problems with your face. They aren’t happy with their appearances, either. Hence all the makeup and the outfits, the apps and the filters.
Consider the energy it takes to do all that work, then shoot a bunch of video miming to a rap tune, and then to put that out to an anonymous world, hoping to get a thumbs-up or a heart, or a comment: “OMG. Sooo hottt.”
Consider the hole that remains unfilled, even by a million followers and thumbs-ups.
Consider this: those beautiful faces will age. Have you noticed that there aren’t good looking old people in mom’s assisted living community? Most old people look the same: old. But there are some that catch your eye when you visit, and they’re always the ones with energy and spunk, and a sharp mind, and wit.
You have those things — the elements of beauty that are ageless. And none of those elements are located on your face.
I have met some truly beautiful people. And some remained so after I got to know them, and some didn’t. Angry people, nasty people, selfish people, ignorant people, self-centered people… there are traits which drain physical beauty from a person.
I’ve met people that have grown on me in wonderful ways. Grown to the point that the big nose, the belly, the bald head, the eyebags, the jowls, these are the flags that my favorite people fly in a parade as they walk across a room to me, and we smile in delight at each other. And my shortcomings, which are many, are the flags I fly.
Haven’t you met beautiful people, and then been so disappointed when they opened their mouths? And haven’t you met beautiful people, and as you got to know them and like them, they seemed to get more beautiful?
Have you noticed that everyone, as you get to know them and like them, looks better?
Have you noticed that there is virtually no difference between the beautiful people you love, and the “plain” people you love?
There is no hierarchy, is there? They are all about the same. Some you might like more, some you might like less, but none of that is influenced by appearance.
I have never in my life ever thought, “I can put up with this person’s bullshit because they are so nice to look at.”
If someone doesn’t want to get to know you because of your nose, consider yourself lucky. Would you want someone like that in your life? Imagine the damage they could do to you once they got under your radar and within your perimeter.
Friends don’t give a shit what you look like. No one of any value will ever enter your life and not be accepting, or even delighted, by how you look.
Lovers — true lovers — reach through the body like it isn’t there.
So, no more tacit, implied apologies for how you look. No more self-deprecating comments. You don’t like your nose, fine. Keep it your problem. Don’t make other people fix it. No more of this:
YOU: Here I am… with my big nose.
What are you expecting as an answer? Pick:
FRIEND: Uh…. it’s… uh… not a big nose?
FRIEND: I’m ugly, too!!
FRIEND: I never noticed before… yeah, you’re right. Well, it’s been real. Now stay the fuck away from me.
If a person walked up to you and said, “Hi. I’m fat,” what would you think? You certainly wouldn’t think fat was the biggest problem, would you?
Learn to accept how you look. It will take time. Start by letting your face, your body, your hair, your teeth… start by letting them simply live where they live, which is on the surface. Your face is only an inch deep. It’s just wrapping on the gift. Everyone throws out the wrapping once the value of the gift is understood.
Give people your best smile. Ask questions about them. Look them in the eye. Find the aspects of their face that are interesting. Make them laugh — all laughs are individual and interesting.
Accept who they are, and they’ll accept who you are. And they will love you, as I love you.
This has been my formula for years. And someday I won’t see my nose in the mirror, the way other people don’t see my nose.
*Actually, they did, and were right there in front of me, but I didn’t see them, but that is a lesson for another time.
**Thing to try: make self-portraits. Use a camera, or draw, or paint. Many of our issues with personal appearance stem from unfamiliarity. Get to know your wonderful face. Be a nice mirror for yourself. Make tons of self-portraits like Ganes does. It will feel weird at first, but keep at it. It will change you for the better.
Unheard and Unheeded —advice delivered too late to people who won’t listen to it anyway.
